Here is a review of "Measure of a Man" by the guys at VFTW.com.
I'm sure that the Claymates will appreciate their "snarky" sense of humor. ;)
"GRADING THE IDOLS’ ALBUMS
Welcome back to my brand-new masochism experiment, Grading the Idols’ Albums.
This week I’m here with Dean Kyle, but sadly Master Freech left the country to avoid doing another CD review. (Just kidding, he’s on vacation in Florida.)
Professor Chan: Today’s album is Clay Aiken’s debut CD “Measure of a Man.”
Kyle: I thought we were going to do the Idol winners’ albums first.
Professor Chan: I did say that, but we’re going to review whatever albums I can find cheap in the stores. And don’t pretend you didn’t request Clay Aiken’s album next.
Kyle: (sheepishly) To make fun of. I’m a little embarrassed to say that I knew the title of this album before we got started. I’m not sure how I feel about that.
Professor Chan: You can’t imagine how embarrassed I was when I actually went to purchase the damn thing. I got this and Daughtry at the same time, and I was nervous the tattooed, pink-haired female clerk would give me a “what a loser” look. That’s why I also bought Iron Maiden’s latest album, so I could salvage some manliness after paying for this CD.
Kyle: Man, what is it with record-selling clerks that have that air of musical superiority?
Professor Chan: Forget Napster, THAT is why all record stores went out of business. I even had a back-up story in case they quizzed me about why I was paying hard-earned cash for Aiken. “It’s for a bachelor’s party.” I’ll probably have to use that one when I try to return it for a refund.
Kyle: What, you’re not keeping the Aiken?Measure of a Man – Clay Aiken.
Professor Chan: Today we’ll be examining Aiken’s album track by track. The theme of this album is “I’m a stalker.” So we’ll also check out the Stalker imagery in all of his songs.………
TITLE: Measure of a Man Best Song:
If you had a gun aimed at us… “Invisible.”
Genre: Clay Aiken is his own genre. Or guys with girlish high voices who sing wussy ballads
Picture on fold-up fan poster: Pensive but bemused Aiken in denim jacket.
First Person or Entity thanked on the album: “First off I’d like to thank all my stalker homies…” Just kidding. Clay thanks “God, The Alpha.”
Of course.
Theme: First half of the album is “I’m a stalker.” Second half is “I’m singing heartbreak songs about girls. Seriously. I’m talking about girls. I even say “she” in the songs.
”TITLE: 1. Invisible
SAMPLE STALKER LYRIC: “If I was invisible, Then I could just watch you in your room. If I was invisible, I’d make you mine tonight.”
Professor Chan: That is all you need to know about this album.
Kyle: The entire song is kind of an ode to stalkers everywhere.
Professor Chan: And how their life would be so much easier if they could have the power of invisibility.
Kyle: I personally would like super strength. Or stretching.
Professor Chan: You know, it’s sad to admit that this song is better than anything on Taylor Hicks album.
Kyle: It’s sad to admit that I’ve heard this song before.
Professor Chan: At least on this song Clay shows off that he can sing.
Kyle: He blows Taylor’s four note range out of the water. I’m not saying this is a good song, but I’d listen to it again before I’d check out any of Taylor’s weak-ass songs.
Professor Chan: That makes me weep. Like Taylor does all over his wussified album.
TITLE: 2. I Will Carry You
SAMPLE STALKER LYRIC: “I will carry your lifeless body back to my basement dungeon.” Okay, just kidding. “Everybody cries, Everybody Bleeds, No one ever said life’s an easy thing.”
Kyle: Dude, your fake lyric is scarier than the real one.
Professor Chan: I know. The only trouble I had was deciding which awesome stalker lyric to quote. How about this one: “Yeah I know it hurts, Yeah I know you’re scared, walking down the road that leads to who knows where.”
Kyle: That’s bone-chilling.
Professor Chan: “That turns my whole body into one giant goose bump”, to quote Paula Abdul.
Kyle: This song makes me feel like someone just got killed on “One Tree Hill.”
Professor Chan: What’s worse, I’d STILL listen to either of these songs before I played Taylor Hicks’ crappy album.
Kyle: Clay can sing, but this is like the soundtrack of “To Catch A Predator.”
TITLE: 3. The Way
SAMPLE STALKER LYRIC: "There’s something bout how you stay on my mind, there’s something bout the way that I whisper your name when I'm asleep.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Hoo, creepy.
KYLE: This sounds like a tired, post-Bobby Brown, Whitney.
PROFESSOR CHAN: This is the first certifiable dog on the album. The other two songs were okay, in their own Clay Aiken style, but this one's excruciating.
KYLE: This song is hurting my brain.
PROFESSOR CHAN: The good thing about Clay Aiken is after we hear the exact same verse-chorus twice we know where the song is going. I mean, it goes there 3-4 more times, but it's the exact same way that it goes there each time. Unlike Taylor's album where there was hidden crappiness to be found at the end of some tracks, we know exactly how crappy it's going to be for the next 3 minutes with Aiken.
(As we skip to the next song)
TITLE: 4. When You Say You Love Me.
SAMPLE STALKER LYRIC: "I've been watching you, from afar and the way you make your way around the bar."
PROFESSOR CHAN: The lyrics to this one are verging on non-stalker territory. He seems to be having normal human interactions with the gender neutral "you" of this song.
KYLE: Yeah, but you have to imagine Clay saying it in his Norman Bates/Mickey Mouse voice with nervous laughter at inappropriate places.
PROFESSOR CHAN: These Casio keyboard synth sounds are bugging me. Is this an Emerson, Lake and Palmer song?
KYLE: Yeah, you can tell the keyboardist is wearing a cape. This song sounds like Christian Rock to me, but much manlier.
TITLE: 5. No More Sad Songs
SAMPLE STALKER LYRIC: "No more sad songs, I'm letting you go now, Switched off switched on, I'm letting you know, you turned out the light."
PROFESSOR CHAN: We might have to put that "stalker theme" to rest now. This has moved away from watching "you" undress through your bedroom window into a really whiny emancipation song.
KYLE: Maybe he's calling her on the phone in a really breathy tone saying he can still see her even though her lights are off. Clay's got infra-red goggles.
PROFESSER CHAN: Even Clay's breaking up songs are a chaste kind of love. He's breaking up with her but he says "I used to have the longing to hear what was in your heart, But now it seems I’m over the fear of this falling apart."
KYLE: Ooh, dissed by the Aiken. I can imagine him curled up in his Backstreet Boyz pajamas having a good cry about his "relationship."
PROFESSOR CHAN: But if he breaks up with her who will he have to hold hands with and share milk-shakes?
KYLE: BFF no mo'.
TITLE: 6. Run to Me
SAMPLE STALKER LYRICS: "Hush, you don't have to say a word, Trust I'm not going to hate you for it, Feels like my touch only brings back the pain, Someday those memories will fade away"
PROFESSOR CHAN: Whew, we're back on firm stalker ground again. I was worried for a second.
KYLE: This kind of sounds like Aiken's "It's Raining Men."
PROFESSOR CHAN: Yeah, definitely "Raining Men" influenced in the melody line.
KYLE: (reads lyrics) "As soon as you get that feeling, run to me." What "Feeling" is he talking about exactly? Why is Clay always so vague and coy with his words and emotions? He's toying with us.
PROFESSOR CHAN: This song has interesting chord changes and Aiken is singing fine, but otherwise it's musical Insominex.
KYLE: Yeah, next time I need some z's, I'll turn to "Run to Me."
TITLE: 7. Shine
SAMPLE STALKER LYRICS: "In the mirror of your soul. I know that you know, you are not forsaken. Hey butterfly open up your weary eyes, and realize it's a trip we're taking."
PROFESSOR CHAN: Such terrible lyrics. What the hell is Aiken talking about? It's all mixed metaphors and painful cliché’s.
KYLE: I hate synthetic drums. This was definitely a cost-effective album. It's just Clay, his stuffed animals and his drum machine in the recording studio.
PROFESSOR CHAN: I'll let the lyrics speak for themselves on this one.http://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/clayaiken/shine.html
TITLE: 8. I Survived You
SAMPLE STALKER LYRICS: "I see the picture clear now, the fog has lifted. The wool you tried to pull over my eyes was clever. Yeah you're gifted."
KYLE: I don't know if I can survive the rest of this album. I'm slowly dying... Lyrics... so trite and hackneyed.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Stay with me, Kyle. No man is left behind. Hey, Butterfly, open up your weary eyes.
KYLE: Which telenovela is this the theme song for? I bet it's "Amor Sin Limites."
PROFESSOR CHAN: I think Clay is trying to set the record for mirror metaphors on this album.
KYLE: (skips the rest of song) Sorry, I couldn't take it any more.
TITLE: 9. Solitaire
SAMPLE LYRICS: "And keeping to himself he plays the game, Without her love it always ends the same, While life goes on around him everywhere, He’s playing Solitaire"
KYLE: Ugh, again with the electronica shit.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Seriously, though. This album was recorded in 2003. Get some decent patches for your synths, dude.
KYLE: This guy makes John Tesh look edgy.
PROFESSOR CHAN: This song defines "Easy Listening." It requires no effort to listen to it. There's no energy spent on paying attention, or giving a damn. It's pop music white noise. So calming.
KYLE: It's like I just took an Ambien. I feel like I should call my grandmother and tell her I love her.
PROFESSOR CHAN: I've come to the conclusion that Clay isn't singing in metaphors. He means everything literally. Like when he's looking in a mirror, he's actually looking in a mirror. And when he's singing about the fog lifting, he's really talking about running through the fog.
KYLE: And he's really watching you sleep through your bedroom window. He actually is out there, in the bushes.
PROFESSOR CHAN: This should be called The Prozac album. Or "Songs for the Old Folks Home." It's so warm and fuzzy.
KYLE: Ooh, glory note. So that's the end of the album, right?
PROFESSOR CHAN: Nope. There's three more songs.
KYLE: We've got three more? Three more f'ing songs?!?! I feel like we've been listening to this for seven hours
PROFESSOR CHAN: Come on, we got to push on. We're doing this for the orphans, remember?
KYLE: What orphans?
TITLE: 10. Perfect Day
SAMPLE LYRICS: "I was fading last night, lost out in the cold, Couldn't see the light then she opened up the door, I came in from the dark, fell into her arms just in time."
PROFESSOR CHAN: It's like love metaphors 101.
KYLE: Damn, man. These synths are terrible. And they're all over the place. It's like they spent all their money on tracks 1 and 2, and then had to nickel and dime the rest of the stupid album.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Ooh, 80's synth flutes and electro drums, oh, how I love you. (skips song)
TITLE: 11. Measure of a Man
SAMPLE LYRIC: "Would he stand before you, When it's down to the wire, Would he give his life up to be all he can, Is that, is that, is that how you measure a man?"
KYLE: Hey, is Hurricane Katrina still taking donations?
PROFESSOR CHAN: It does have that starving kids commercial feel to it, doesn't it? This is clearly supposed to be Clay's big anthem.
KYLE: I've heard this song before.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Yeah, me too. It was called "Perfect Day" track 10. It's the same exact song.
KYLE: No, I mean, I heard this on the radio, or in an elevator or something.
PROFESSOR CHAN: No, really. It's the same song. Let me play it back.
KYLE: No, man. It's okay, I trust you.
PROFESSOR CHAN: No. I'm gonna do it. (Chan plays "Perfect Day." He skips back to "Measure of a Man.") See, they're identical. The question I have for Clay is, how do you measure a man?
KYLE: I don't know, thumb and forefinger?
PROFESSOR CHAN: I guess the follow-up question is, did Clay intentionally have a penis joke for an album title, or was he innocently oblivious?
KYLE: This song may be long and boring, but it still has more soul than the entire Taylor Hicks album.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Oh, dude, that's just kicking a man in his measure.
TITLE: 12. Touch
SAMPLE LYRICS: "All I want is your touch, all I want is your heaven right here by my side, every night. All I want is your touch, all I want is your tenderness here in my life, every morning and night. Girl cause your touch is so right."
KYLE: Enough with the electronic keyboard bullshit. I'm tired of this crap.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Revenge of the Synth tracks. This one's using the pre-programmed Latin rhythm on the keyboard.
KYLE: This sounds like a gay dance club track. But then it's also an uplifting Christian love-your-neighbor song. It's schizophrenic.
PROFESSOR CHAN: He walks that fine line between gay and Christian.
KYLE: I think he's singing this song to his gardener.(Professor chan hits Eject!)
PROFESSOR CHAN: Okay, that's enough Aiken for one day.
KYLE: That's enough Aiken for a lifetime.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Whoa, hold it. I paid good hard cash for Clay's new album. So we're gonna damn well listen to it. But I need to recover from this one first.
KYLE: Ugh, I'm feeling nauseous.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
PROFESSOR CHAN: Well that was pretty awful.
KYLE: Man, after the first two songs I thought it was going to be a cakewalk. They were kind of peppy and not horrible. But it really fell off a cliff after that.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Yeah, right when "Wacky" Willy Gabowski and his Amazing Casio Orchestra showed up, it turned ugly real fast.
KYLE: There must've been a lot of disappointed teenagers on Christmas morning that year.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Why don't they just give me their $12 bucks and I'll hurl a lump of coal upside their head.
KYLE: Yeah, that's got more entertainment value.
PROFESSOR CHAN: Oh, hey, that reminds me. I can probably get my hands on Aiken's Christmas album, if you want to review that one some time.
KYLE: As long as it's not a Taylor Hicks Christmas album, I'm game.”
http://www.votefortheworst.com/node/209
